Droppin' In

2:07pm February 9th, 2009 By eaglesrose eaglesrose

 I realize I am not on very often. I probably should be in here everyday. There are so many thoughts and words in my head and in my heart, sometimes I think they get jumbled up when my focus is off.

Staying focused on the subject at hand is just as difficult as fixing a point to focus on.

I love gardens. I love the smells, the sounds, the peace being in a garden brings me. I love grubbing in the dirt, the fresh scent of overturned earth, the snipping of pruning shears. I love all the colors of spring popping up from the garden. We have a twin rosebush in the backyard along the wooden fence. In August the blooms just seem to appear. Another flowering bush grows nearby. Bumblebees like our bushes. I, however, am leery around flying insects that carry around their own swords. Bumblebees make me nervous.

Our front door entrance splits the garden in the front yard of our home. Blue irises line the back of it as if to guard the house and hide the foundation. There are pansies, crocus, tulips, daffodils and lilies spread out in front of the iris.  Cedar wafts in through the bedroom window when the breeze hits it just right. These cedars enhance either side of our garden.

Hostas surround the lone tree in our front yard. Poor things; sometimes the lawnmower eats them all up. Or is that down? Sparrows next in our bushes. Once I surprised a hawk when I opened the front door to check the mailbox. I saw his beautiful underside and the white spots under his wings. He was so close I could see him clearly.

We have a type of flat green fern growing in the backyard, too. We think the birds using the bath may have dropped seeds there. It could be mossy in nature. I am not very knowledgeable that way in discerning literal types of things. Colors and style have always been the first two things I notice about something. Whether it's gardens, cars, or clothes.

I like the perfume that rises on the breeze blowing through the garden. Sitting outside under the patio table umbrella, camera on my right, lemonade on my left, book in hand, blanket on lap, I tend to fall asleep in my garden. Surrounded by flowers, little birds and our sheltie, I am content.

Tags: beauty, garden(s), peace

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This Girl and I

5:30pm January 6th, 2009 By eaglesrose eaglesrose

I knew this girl once; she was fun to be with. We flew a thousand miles to climb trees, explore dungeons, stand under waterfalls and draw closer to God. We walked our legs off and slept like exhausted children.

     We would be pampered at the Bed and Breakfast inns we sometimes stayed in. Crisp, clean sheets and thick quilts. Hot oatmeal. Our own little pots of tea or coffee. Hot showers.
     We would try to get up early when staying at youth hostels, so as not to have to shower in ice water. (which, btw, will wake you up really fast). This girl made me rise early anyway, so as not to miss anything. Irish sunrises, street markets, the locals, the bus. This girl and I went Blarney Castle so she could kiss the Blarney Stone. This girl had no fear of hanging upside-down eighty feet off the ground. I took her picture. We travelled southern Ireland by foot, by bus, by taxi, by ferry. Oh yeah, the ferry.
     This girl and I ferried to Wales just because we could. We wanted to see more castles. It rained for two days straight. Though we were able to see one castle, we were not allowed to take photos. If we wanted pictures, we had to BUY them. We watched soccer on the telly and drank pots of tea, while the rain came down. We journalled and we walked. We walked in the misty rain of Wales just because we could. We didn't want to miss anything, my friend and I.
     And we didn't. Then. But now, we miss each other. We each have families to take care of and support. We are both fighting a spiritual battle on a field we had hoped never to see. My friend and I like to travel. You know, the kind where you actually leave the house (and the state) we live in. We like to go places we've never been and have adventures we've never had.
      How does one climb a tree that can't be seen by anyone but us? Sometimes it feels like the tree is climbing me. My whole body is as tender to touch as if I'd fallen from a very high cliff. And sort of survived. My mind plays tricks on me. I once lost my eyeglasses for a whole day and they were on top of my head. I put milk in the pantry and peanut butter in the refrigerator. I throw TV remotes in the trash, and then wonder why I can't find it. We feel tired, yet we can't sleep.
     My body twists into a caricature of itself and nothing can unloose it but God. Last night particularly I did not unwind until after 4 A.M. Upon rising I am battered and bruised, and yet I have only climbed the tree you cannot see, fallen down stairs that have no beginning and no end. Upon waking fully, there is no memory of dreams/nightmares, just and unfocused uneasy feeling. Like the robot from "Lost in Space" who waves his arms around crying, "Warning! Warning!" at every little unknown element we are.
   This girl and I cannot go back to who we were. But she and I can travel this journey together, we can walk together, climb together, laugh together, cry together. We are growing older together, raising children together, submitting to husbandly authority together. We have homes to clean, never-ending piles of laundry to wash, meals to plan and cook. This is the new adventure we wanted.  
    But it is the adventure that came with it that we do not want, and yet, are stuck with. Because we choose to be obedient when God asks us to serve Him. "Here am I, Lord, send me." We both said it. We both meant it. We are both going through it. God chooses where we serve Him. He chooses when the adventure begins. He chooses when the adventure will end. Once we choose to surrender our will to His, the journey has begun. 
    And God is with us every step of the way.   

Tags: best, depression, friends, ireland, mind, thoughts, travel, women

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Up The Waterspout - Part One

1:36pm December 27th, 2008 By eaglesrose eaglesrose

 battle depression everyday. And some days I lose.

That's why I see a psychiatrist. In another life I would have referred to him as a "shrink" or "the doctor only crazy people go to." However, in this brave new world, I call him Dr. Even though a couple of other medical professionals wanted me to seek the guidance and care of a psychiatrist, I fought it every step of the way. I sought the advice of people I trusted: my friends and my mother. Because I believed that I was not depressed; I believed that I was not crazy. But I was only half right. I'm not crazy.
To refuse to seek out medical help when you need it is like walking with a broken leg: you can get by, but not very well. A very little known fact is that the head is connected to the body. Therefore, if the body gets sick, the whole body is sick. Illness affects more than one part of one's self. When the flu strikes, your head is congested, your throat hurts, your sinuses drain, your bowels cramp and your stomach refuses food. Infection attacks you and causes your body temperature to rise, thereby causing a fever. Just as antibiotics and a cracker and 7 Up diet fight the flu, so also do antidepressants help to balance the neural sensors of the brain.
There is always a root for every illness. Even depression starts somewhere. But I'm not really where mine started. I do believe though, that I have been depressed most of my adult life. Is depression genetic? Will we ever really know the answer to that question since no one likes to talk about it? Am I depressed because I can't function like I used to or is my inability to be mobile causing an increase in my depression? This conversation we are having is being expressed because like most people I know, I need people I know. I need you around me, I need you to hear me, I need you to know me.
We tend to bottle things up inside us and put on a happy face, a mask for the world to see, a mask that hides who we are. And when we look in the mirror we see only our reflection; the mask is real, the face is not. Admitting our pain and misery to ourselves is harder than it is to share it with others. Only when we remove the mask and behold the eyes do we get a glimpse of what is inside. Did my depression start when I was a little girl? We moved around a lot when I was growing up. When I made friends, I would have to leave them behind. So I stopped making friends. I retreated into the private world of loneliness. The library became my favorite place to be. I read everything I could get my hands on. When I read a book, I am there. I'm the heroine or the princess, the pirate or the pilot. And because I chose to hide, I ended up hiding from myself, too.
You can only see me when I write. My pen is my mirror. The ink is my soul. Whether you laugh or cry, mock or pity, matters not to me. I'd like to think that anyway. My armor is my faith and mere words can only dent, not penetrate it. But watch out, you may end up at the other end of my pen

Tags: depression, diary, journal(ling), loneliness, psyche

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          HUMILITY is so seldom seen anymore. Like justice, integrity and strong personal ethics, a humble heart is becoming close to extinct. Perhaps it will go the way of the dodo bird, the unicorn and the Edsel. Nothing in this world is about myself. Everything is about God and God's glory. God's glory is important; it is what He surrounds Himself with. The effect is similar to when I throw a long shawl around me: I am completely covered by it. So, too, is the glory of God completely surrounding Him.

          God receives more glory when I thank Him for everything He has given me (blessings); for everything He does for me and in me (more blessings). God receives glory from my tongue when I praise His Name: the Name by which all must be saved, the beautiful Name of Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, sweetest Name I know. A Name that rolls off the tongue like honey. A Name that perfumes the air with the essence of grace . A Name that draws people to Himself, as a lonely heart  searches for that one true love and finds it. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus, Name above all names, King of all kings, Lord of lords. The Mighty and Matchless Name of Jesus Christ. There's just something about that name.

            Putting myself in His shadow,  what kind of Man am I seeing. A Man of Sorrows, a Man of Great Love, a Man who defines humility in all its ways. The Servant King, as Graham Kendrick wrote it so well, is a Man to be emulated, a God to be trusted, a Savior to be exalted. As I go through this list in front of me, which lays out the description of humility so well, the Holy Spirit shows me that I have all the earmarks of a pack rat. This list is five years old. Before I toss everything, I'm going to include this list in this discussion. Someone else wrote it, but since I don't know, we'll just say Author Unknown.

 

HUMILITY

Seeing others as being greater and more important than I am

Seeing myself as lesser

Being a servant of all, no exceptions

Surrendering my will and desires to God

Daring to stand up for what is true, what is right, and what is good

Giving out of my own need to others

Putting other people's needs ahead of my own

Asking for forgiveness even when I am right

Willing to receive criticism as easily as I receive compliments

Not being defensive in any way

Not needing to justify ourselves

Being quick to repent

Obeying God in all things, even when it hurts

Willing to give up things we are trying to hang on to

Letting go of any form of control or manipulation

Loving those who persecute me

Willing to lay down my life for others and for God

Walking in patience and waiting for God's timing

Loving our enemies

Putting God above our own needs, wants and desires

Willing to give up gossip and backbiting

Willing to give up anger, bitterness and hatred

 

Now, isn't that the perfect description of a Man called Jesus Christ?

 

 

 

 

You know, before we even begin to discuss the Color of Worship, we should prepare for worship. My friend Sister Teresa de Jesus once preached a message titled "True Worship Comes From the Heart". There are ten steps to worship that comes from the heart. The Scripture references are varied, but the gist of the sermon comes from Genesis 22:5-14. 

  1. Build an Altar

  2. Prepare the Wood

  3. Bind the Sacrifice

  4. Lay down your Burden

  5. Yadah~Stretch out your Hands

  6. Take hold of your Weapons

  7. Acknowledge God's Voice

  8. See God's Provision

  9. Receive the Rewards of Obedience and

  10. Receive a Blessing from God 

 

 

August 24, 2008

Blue is the color of GRACE. GRACE ~ God Reaching ACross Eternity to save you and I. It is the color of the

curtains covering the Holy of Holies area. Whereas in early Bible times, only the priest anointed by God could enter the Holy of Holies to present the sacrificial lamb which paid for the sins of the nation, by faith we are able to enter into the Holy presence of God through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ, the New Covenant Lamb of God; He who died for the sins of the world.

August 12, 2008

As stated previously, I love colors. Did you know there are many colors located throughout Scripture? I have studied extensively on this subject and just wanted to share with you all a little bit. For those of you who have sat under the teaching, this will just be a reminder.  But I will start tomorrow. It is very late now.

July 12, 2008

I love trying new colors, don' t you. It's like planting flowers in the garden:  a little bit of everything all year long. Color brightens my world. And my mood. What a shame that whatever mood I'm in that's the world I'm in. I don't handle stress well right now, not even a little bit. That's why I'm glad I belong to Jesus and He belongs to me. Jesus handles my stress for me. Stress is a battle I'm gaining ground on, but haven't quite conquered. Getting better at it, though.

 

 

I'm the Blue one.

July 9, 2008

I started this online journal to weed my garden of thoughts in my own backyard. It matters not if anyone reads this stuff. Only God knows my mind, my thoughts and my heart. Only God can fix it, if I let Him. If anyone has something to reply, I will of course answer. But right now, I'm just going to tell you what was on my mind today.

The difference between "wealth" and "treasure" is based on perception. To me, both are personal gains. Wealth relates to both finances and knowledge. If one has money, one is wealthy. Amount matters not. It's not the size of the bank account that counts, it's what one does with what one has. A library has a 'wealth' of information at the reach of one's fingertips.It's not how much we know, but what we do with what we know.

Treasure on the other hand implies an intimate relationship with said item. An antique rocking chair is a treasured item when it comes from someone we loved. Treasure is acquired when rocking in it, also, another memory to put into our personal Treasure Chest. Family photos, scrapbooks, greeting cards from Christmas, Anniversaries, Birthdays, etcetera, reside in our Treasure Chest.

Treasure is grab-able. You can touch it, smell it, see it, hear it. Wealth is wind: wherever it blows, there is goes. Treasure is layered. Memories of times past and hopes for the future. It is baby's christening gown and graduation cap. It is trophies, awards and ribbons. Treasure is alive.

It speaks to the eye and says, "Look at me! See where I've been and where I'm going." It  speaks to the ear and says, "Hear my music! Listen to the melody and harmony of children laughing, playing, growing up." Treasure speaks to the hands and says, "Touch me! Feel joy and heartache as you run your fingers over my golden coins of yesterday." Treasure speaks to the nose and says, "Smell me! Inhale the rose petals, the paintings, the crayon artwork." Treasure speaks to the heart and says, "Remember! Draw back the curtains of time, remove the cobwebs of unuse and remember the Love that lives here."

Treasure is sentiment compounded upon layers of time. There are times when I prefer it over wealth. But it is the wealth of knowledge within me that has enabled me to reminisce about the differences between 'wealth' and 'treasure'. So, how can one truly choose which is better, when both work together?

 

If I'm going to have "Great Expectations", then I Expect Jesus Christ to return and take me with Him as soon as God gives Jesus permission to do so.

 

 

Humility is to esteem another with honor. It is to serve others before serving one's self. It is to serve with grace, mercy, compassion, joy and unselfish love. Humility is self-discipline on a daily basis; so often that whatever we are doing becomes second habit, second only to breathing. As the Apostle Paul states in 1 Corinthians 15:31 "I die daily". I submit to Jesus Christ on a daily basis. My heart needs to be humbled before God every day. And if it isn't, then my life could get really messed up. And I could find myself farther and farther away from God wondering how I ever got that far.

When we start putting ourselves before God, we have not broken just the first commandment as laid out in Exodus 20, but all of them. God is to be loved above all others. If I do what I want to without asking God's direction and will first, then I have not submitted to God's authority in my life. And I do recognize that God is the highest Authority. By accepting Jesus Christ into my heart and giving Him control of my life through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have begun the first step in allowing God to create a Servant's Heart within me. We work together to accomplish the needs of the Kingdom of Heaven. But sometimes the "I" in me gets in the way and has to be broken before we can continue.